Wednesday, 18 February 2009


I don't know if you've noticed, but pretty much every guy in East London who is aged between fifteen and twenty-five has exactly the same fucking haircut (and also the same pale denim jacket - I'm nothing if not observant, me). For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, it's what I like to think of as "The Camberwell Quiff"; a large, permed pompadour with tightly-cropped sides, not hugely unlike a jewish Flock Of Seagulls impersonator, but with a bit more pizazz, e.g.

(I'm sorry to name names, man, but you've gotta break a few Moz-coiffed eggs to make a blog omelette.)

Evidently Morrisey sent out a memo via email - which, I assume, he CC'ed to Hedi Slimane and Matthew Stone - some time previously, and you all responded in your droves (if you didn't get the email, by the way, then I'm sorry to tell you that you're completely Goddamn irrelevant and should probably just stop reading this now.) As much as I appreciate the commitment  with which everyone has wholeheartedly gone about making this shit happen - particularly those of you who had to get a perm - I think we can all agree that it's all gone too far, really. One day it's three of you outside the Old Blue Last in your respective "ironic" t-shirts (Oh look, it's got Rod Stewart on, how droll!) , and the next it's spreading like, well, like Gonorrhea in the toilets of that selfsame pub. 

Do you have any idea how fucking contrite this is all starting to look? The last time we had a haircut this ubiquitous was when women started getting The Rachel, and we all know what happened to Jennifer Anniston. Do you want to be the next Jennifer fucking Anniston, Camberwell Quiffers? Do you want to end up, if the tabloids are to be believed, having a miserable time holidaying in Barbados with - oh! The indignity! - your best friend and her husband, wishing that someone would just impregnate you NOW, RIGHT NOW? Do you want to star in an adaptation of a self-help book? Is that what you want? I'm going to suggest that we bring back a new hairstyle from the  pop-culture graveyard instead - remember when Phil Oakey from the Human League had half of his hair long, and half of it shaved? That was really quite cool, when I look back on it. Or how about Prince's hairstyle in the video for When Dove Cry? That bit where he's crawling out of the bath makes me feel all tingly downstairs. See? Not all bad! It's not that I hate that Morrisey thing you have going on, honest. Initially, I actually found it quite sexy. But - as your own beloved Moz would have said - heaven knows I'm miserable now. 

(Guess who finally got a red leather skirt? What do you mean "Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman", asshole? I meant me! And by the way, all your pop-culture references are even more out of date than mine. Burn. And yes, I do tend to delete my short, shit entries, because I'm pernickety. Bite me.)


Anonymous said...

God, I love reading sarcastic blogs :D Keep it up, love!
(oh, and i heart your new banner bytheway)

Anonymous said...

No one has cool haircuts where I am currently living BUT I do agree with you that Phil Oakey's old hair was pretty much the best and anyone with the balls to do that would be hot as hell. Personally I can get into a bit of a quiff, as long as it's clean-cut. I really just love a clean-cut hairstyle on a man. Or maybe it's just that I have a huge aversion to long hair. Either way, I can still get down with the asymmetrical.

louise said...

I love you. I'm not even going to shorten it to something less forward and lacking in letters to make you feel less uncomfortable. I just full on fucking heart you.

Anonymous said...

oh my god is that Camille WADDINGTON!?@#!@#

white lightning said...

1. i am one of the literal fives

2. bloggas alll hate ourselves thats why we LIVE ON THE INTERNET.

3. that picture of camille is fuckign EVERYTHING

4. i want to call people quiffs.

Philippa Snow said...

Anyone who likes the Camille pic should check out Purple Diary in my blogroll, there's loads of others on there.

miss a. said...

I think I might have to make you my new best friend. That has to be the wittiest thing I've read on the blogosphere (I really hate that word - it should really be world-wide-web-of-too-many-fashion-bandwagoneers but it's just too damn long) EVER. And anyone who likes beer with everything always gets +10 points in my book. Even better if you have a classified, uncouth, Mary Poppins accent. harhar

But as for the haircuts... at least you don't have to endure this early '90s monstrosity: the box cut.
I wouldn't mind if they were Grace Jones (androgynous, sequins, crazy hats, red lipstick, "Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York"), but they're just a bunch of streetwear addicted black men who freak out when something gets on their shoes.

miss a. said...

I just had to add this one.

Philippa Snow said...

If done correctly, though, I do kind of dig that wedge hairstyle on men with afros. Despite my usual penchant for what can only be described as an "Early Jagger" type, I saw a neat-as-a-pin black guy with one on the tube lately who was so impeccably dressed that I found myself thinking "Apparently I am about to go black and, if anecdotal evidence is true, I'll never go back".