Well, the worst has finally fucking happened - our broadband is up the swanney. You and I are like star-crossed lovers, internet, and "the man" and various other societal conventions are always conspiring against us. Well not anymore, guy, because now I am blogging in the workplace. Yeah, man! Fuck tha po-lice (I had an epic night out at Shunt last night and I'm still smiling, but I'll try and keep up the derision, just for you, because I know that you hate change, God bless you).
I did a terrible thing and bought some shoes with the money I was supposed to be using to, you know, eat this week (I've included a picture of the relevant Gucci boots above as a comparison, but the shoes I bought were actually copies of the sandal. That's right, asshole, I squandered money on a motherfucking sandal in the middle of an arctic city winter, no need to make me feel any stupider than I already do.) If you're wondering why I am always posting pictures from Jak and Jil, it's because that website is pretty much the closest I get to hardcore pornography (other than, say, Anal Twinks 3, which I personally feel is an oft-overlooked classic of modernist cinema) when browsing the web. Eff why eye (fuck, I'm so cute), if anyone is interested in the singular secret of successful dieting, I have cracked it and am willing to share it for a paltry, one-off payment. In fact, you know what? I like you, and I'm willing to share it for nothing except your eternal readership (I am woefully needy and insecure, did I mention that?). Here it goes:
Why not try buying shoes/cigarettes/cocaine/vinyl/delete as appropriate instead of groceries?
(If you need it explained in more detail then I'm afraid you'll have to wait for the Guardian supplement like everyone else. I mean, sure, I like you, but you're not exactly "friend material", you know?)