So if you’re interested in filling the position of the new friend who is doubtless going to enrich my life come September, then I suggest you consider these points before emailing me your application. Are you:
* Attractive enough that there is a sexual frisson between us, but not attractive enough that I will accidentally fuck you?
* A fan of verbal sparring and/or occasionally reducing others to tears?
* Knowledgeable enough about art, fashion and pop culture to be interesting, but not enough of a soulless, glassy-eyed, bottom-sucking hipster that I will ultimately find you desperate and depressing?
* Familiar with the majority of the lyrics to Paul Simon’s 1987 single “Call Me Al”?
* Unable to name an occasion on which you have worn a straw hat in the style of Pete Doherty?
* Able to provide me with $1,000 dollars within the next four days and six hours in order to purchase this Rick Owens vest?
If the answer to all of the above is “Yes”, you may very well be the candidate I am looking for. Apply within, and when I say “within”, I should clarify before you say anything that I mean “within the comments section or, alternately, my heart” rather than, say, “within my vagina”. I know what you’re like, you cad.